


Extremis

by orphan_account



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Angst with a Happy Ending, Immortal Alec Lightwood, M/M, Marvel 616/MCU Crossover
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 10:18:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17343503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal."- Albert EinsteinIn the search for the ideal solution to solving the problem of Alec's mortality, tension starts bleeding into his relationships and affecting them adversely for the years to come.





	Extremis

In the years of his life that followed, it was a closely guarded secret of his that finally gives him the advantage in this situation they are in. He might be a Shadowhunter first and foremost, but then again, it didn't really stop him from branching out into the world of humans around them and taking in everything interesting and exciting that was happening to their world. Because the truth was, they all did share the same world. Granted, some parts of it were sealed off, exclusive to some species only. But overall, they shared the same world, and by extension, the same consequences of what might happen if something troublesome invaded their world.

For a long time in his life, he always lived in the shadows. He grew accustomed to being looked over and for a while, it hurt. It did, hurt, at least for a little while. So, in that little while that he had as a child and as a young adult, he learned how to be discreet and quiet about the aspects of himself that his society might frown upon. He learned how to push down and ignore that need for companionship and friendship, of having a common ground with other people. He learned to ignore the pain that comes with having overbearing and strict parental figures that refused to reciprocate affection to a young child. Like Ender Wiggin, Alec learned very esrly on the brutal and savage lesson that help will never come from anyone outside himself. Like Ender Wiggin, his isolation made him, made him and never broke him. Like Ender, he refused to let anything get in his way and break him.

Beyond the ken of sparring and the mandatory education that comes being born into Shadowhunter society, he entertained his bored and isolated mind with the grand tales of science fiction and the irresistible allure of the sciences. From the flourishing years of youth, technology and the wonders of modern science never failed to captivate him and enthrall him. In the hours of leisure, where his young peers would squander it away in pointless games of play fights and socializing, Alec discovers himself through reading and analysis. He was a mind with a voracious appetite for the written word. He read anything he couls get his hands on, from fiction to the technical textbooks that comprise the sciences.

In a society built on rigid traditions and inflexible hierarchies, the only freedom he had was the one he conjured from the wild savannah of his imagination and the audacious connections he makes with his intellect. The routine movements and machinations he makes as the obedient soldier was a good camouflage and it just felt safer to play it that way. As time passed, it eventually reached that frightening period where on some days that he wakes, he sometimes starts believing in the lifeless beliefs of his social mask. Torn between two identities, it was no wonder that many of his peers found him too blunt, too cold, too composed even for the repressed beings that their society turns them into. He was the perfect machine, the perfect human machine, and the Clave loved it.

But even then, there were just some things that they could only own so far. They may own his mask, but they don't own his mind. They may own his actions as their soldier, but they don't own him. And his mind was the best offensive weapon in his arsenal. The main seat of his pride, the crafter of strategies swifter and deadlier than anything their rigid imperfection can destroy.

Like Ender, he realized soon enough that his enemy wasn't the rogue Downworlders and demons that enroached their world. His enemy was the rigid hierarchy of their society and the deception of the Clave.

* * *

Humans, for their own glaring weaknesses, were quite superior in many other ways than they were as a collective of demon hunters. Bound by mortality as they are, their rate of technological productivity and scientific innovation is a pace that severely outmatches any other known living being out there. What they lack in runes and magic, they ruthlessly compensate for precision and persistent studying and application of the scientific method. Given enough time, they might even reach a point where technology and man converge to produce a symbiotic relationship, a whole far greater than their sums. As it stands, this golden ideal is a dream that haunts even the sleeping hours of the most artistic scientific mind. The very idea of it seduces him, and slowly, Alec feels this madness seeping in and tainting his everyday activities.

Alec wasn't shortsighted and neither was he lacking in awareness or intuition. Since that morning argument with Magnus a few days ago, he already knew ahead of time that they would broach the topic of a warlock's immortality and life and death. So, there lay the fact that was glaring at them both in the eyes but it was also the one that they refuse to confront together until it was too late; Alec's righteous anger at being trapped by mortality and Magnus' weary frustration and resigned anger at being forced to acknowledge future consequences that poke too sharply at the walls he keeps around his heart. Their biological realities were on different playing fields and some day, it was a fact that Alec _will_ die, as is the final outcome of all mortal beings. It was a fact that Alec wanted to confront, but it was one that Magnus wanted to avoid.

So, it seems they were both at an impasse.

Alec wants to put all cards on the table. Magnus just wants to ignore the future and immerse himself in the present, even if it was a foolish sentiment in the end. But as foolish it was, it was also protection from the worst form of heartache that ever existed. And the worse thing was that he _understood_. Alec understood it all, the roots of the anger, the biting consequences. He even nurtures a different form of the heartache himself. While Magnus prefers to put the future on hold and indulge in the pleasures of the present, the mortal creature of Alec's existence is ever gazing ahead to the distant hills and valleys of the future. For beings that changed with the flow of time, the future was always the final frontier. For beings that were caged by time, the only fixed points in a changing age, the future was not a thing of importance because very rarely do they leave legacies by which they would be remembered by.

And when they _do_ have a legacy to leave? It was their greatest fear to face. The fear of outliving it. The fear of seeing it take root, seeing it grow, and watching as the sands of time slowly decay it away until nothing remains. For all of his anger at Magnus' refusal to face it, he also loves him fiercely enough to know and understand how it feels. And Alec can't find it in his heart to hold on to his frustrations any more than he wants, for both their sake. Because even if he dies and doesn't get to see what comes after, he can't bear the thought of having permanently left a life to ruins by a consequence of the natural world beyond his control.

And the thing was, could it be controlled?

Could he alter his fate?

It was a daring question to explore. And, maybe even be the only final frontier worth exploring and discovering. If he decided to go through with this and succeeded, it would be the magnum opus of a hundred lifetimes.

No more tears. No more sorrow. No more heartbreak.

When something was important enough, even if the odds were against you, you should still do it.

So, he does.

* * *

It would not be easy. And it was naive to expect it to be. He knows the sheer audacity it takes. He knows of how crazy he might sound if he ever told another living soul of the endeavor he was about to go through. He knows that they would discourage him. He knows of the rounds of shouting and yelling and broken hearts that will come when his secret comes out.

He does it anyways.

He starts by pooling his financial resources and buying a flat in Brooklyn.

For the first week since their argument, Alec carefully divided his time between his duties in the Institute and gathering his resources to be rerouted to his newest home away from home. When he gets off work for the day, he goes to his flat and starts building the lab and the workshop that he needs for his research and other projects. On the first night, he establishes the layout of the floor and starts building the bookshelves he needs for the next shipment of textbooks that are coming in the next week. By the fourth day, computers and desktops are arranged logically around his lab, connected to state-of-the-art computing machines. By the sixth day, he felt content at the thought of secluding himself in this space, even if it was weeks on end before he had the luxury of connection with the rest of humanity. By the seventh day, he collapses to the modern couch situated at the far corner of the wall away from his workshop, a small coffee table in front of him keeping guard of a stack of books, a cup of steaming coffee held in his hand.

He looked up at the analog clock perched at the top of the doorway to the small bedroom to his right. The clock hand doused him with a cold wash of reality. It was already thirty minutes past seven in the evening. The thin hand, responsible for counting the seconds of his dwindling life, continued ticking with nary a care in the small world he lived in. With a sudden stiffen of his back, he twitches upright and winces when a flare of pain irritates his lower back. As he immersed himself in his long-term endeavor, a flash of dread runs through him when he realises that it has been almost a fortnight since he last slept in the loft.

He sets down the cup and clumsily runs towards the mobile that he left on one of the steel desks in his workspace. He goes through the lockscreen and winces at the missed calls that have flooded his notification center. A helpful little icon in the corner indicates the flood of voicemails left in his inbox. He puts in the pin code to authorize his identity and plays the most recent voicemail.

He ignores the fact that there was close to a dozen missed calls in the last few days of his manic isolation.

He was a coward.

_"Hey, big bro! This is Izzy! Where are you? I hope you're alright. I noticed that you don't stay past five anymore in the Institute and, well, when I stopped by your bedroom, it looks like you haven't even touched anything in there for days. Listen, Magnus is worried about you. We all are worried about you. It's not like you to suddenly drop everything. What's going on? Magnus has been trying to get in touch with you and he has dropped by the Institute many times, but you're never available. Are you to fighting again? Please, Alec, if something is going on, tell us. Tell him. Jace barely even sees you anymore and he knows that something is up. He even threatens to drag you back to the loft hinself the next time you report in for work. You don't even have to call me back. Just talk to Magnus. Please. He's out of his mind with worry. Love you, big bro."_

The next voicemail autoplays and he pauses it on instinct, swallowing down the prickle of dread and guilt that shoots through him.

Alec wasn't ready for the imminent conversation that will come when he steps back into the only place where he ever felt he belonged. He wasn't ready for the barrage of questions and attempts at dissuading him from embarking on the insane project of his lifetime. Alec needs to find a way, anything really, to cover this up as being nothing more than taking the time to process what happened between them. A bad taste seeped into his mouth when the sobering thought settles in. Another lie, another weave of deception. Torn between two ways, to be candid or to hide it. Alec was adept at hiding the things he wants to hide. A lifetime of being trained and adapting would do that to you. But now it wasn't question of whether he can or cannot. The question of his time is whether he even should, continue hiding from the one and only person that has seen him at his worst and at his best. It wasn't fair to do this behind his back. Nothing about them was perfect or smooth sailing.

But the way they both won is what mattered.

For all of his tactical brilliance and strategic gifts, it didn't change the fact that he still viewed everything in his life with the same detached perspective of a chess grandmaster. The debacle with the Soul Sword still weighed heavy on his shoulders. Every mistake, every imperfection, every oversight. It weighed just as heavy as the lives lost in the last war with the Circle. Alec knew he could never handle ceramics and porcelain matter. These hands of his were too embedded in war and tactics to ever be anything else. Reared to be a warrior and a commander. Not anything more.

He leaves his mobile on the table and turns it off. He shambles back to the couch, slouching against the couch pillows as he miserably decides to use it as his temporary bed for the night. He limps to the depths of sleep with a dog-eared copy of _Ender's Game_ , lying face down on his chest.

* * *

Jace actually made good on his promise. In the morning he showed up in the office, he was ambushed by an irritated Jace and a concerned sister. Before he even got a word in, he was dragged out to the hallway by Jace, not a word slipping from his sister. He agreed meekly and they both walked to loft. When they were finally standing at the black double doors, Jace crosses his arms and glares at him.

"I told you I would drag you back to the loft. It's not fair to us. It's not fair to Magnus. It's not fair to drop off the radar, making us sick with worry, and then, you just magically pop back in to work the next day as if we won't notice. Alec, we worry. We _worry_ about you. Don't you get that? Now, I'm gonna be frank with you. I _know_ that there is something going on. We're parabatai, so I know if something significant is going on that you aren't telling us about. Now, I understand if you wanna keep it under wraps for a while. I do. You like your privacy just as much as the next person. What I don't understand is _why_ you feel like you have to go and suddenly avoid everyone else in your life. I don't understand why this is something you gotta keep, even from Magnus. So, if you're not gonna talk to me or Izzy, then you _will_ talk to him. Right now."

"It's not the time yet --"

"I don't care. Go in there. _Talk_. I won't leave until this is done."

With a sigh, he turns around and beats his knuckles against the door.

It really wasn't a surprise when he was given a colder reception that he expected.

Still, he goes on.

* * *

They both stand, stubbornly staking their war banners to the opposing grounds they stood on. Magnus was tearing him apart with a look of intense anger and he has his arms wrapped around his middle, looking strangely vulnerable and unreachable at the same moment. Even in the haze of the moment, Alec thought he never looked more regal and untouchable as he was now. A thin strand of silence was hanging over their head and it was a fragile thing. Neither of them have spoken properly for a week and this duel of wills will not wither until one of them gives in. With a sinking heart, Alec knows that he needs to be first one to break it and extend the olive branch. For all of his gentle and forgiving nature, there was also a breaking point that might just shatter the porcelain. And it was his fear that they were already treading too close to it.

"I'm sorry," he says, a confession from the deepest parts of him. "I'm sorry for not being here for the last week. But whatever it was, it _had nothing_ to do with you. It was --"

"Why?"

It was a whisper. Rattled, broken, hurt. But it was the warning symptom that preceded the hurricane that was to come. Magnus was now looking at him in the eye, his regal face betraying nothing of his inner torment. But the sad truth was, Alec can _see_. Can see, the hellstorm of self-loathing and hurt brewing beneath that fragile wall separating them now. The fear of rejection, the fear of becoming too vulnerable again. The fear of being abandoned once again, for a thing he had no control over. The fear of being abandoned because of who he was. A fear that Magnus has never really triumphed over.

And in that moment, Alec now also knows the most effective way that life could destroy this man before him. For in the moment that he understands another, it was impossible not to love them the way they loved themselves. And when he comes to know the way they love themselves, it was that very moment that he holds the power to destroy them. It was a curse of knowledge that he would never wish on anyone.

"Because if I don't, it will hurt. It will hurt me. It will hurt _you_. It will hurt us," he says softly. "And it will continue hurting you even after long I'm gone. That's why I'm doing this. That's why I _have_ to do this. Because it doesn't have to stay that way. I am doing everything I can to _fix_ it."

The ferocity dies away, splintering to reveal the somber soul hiding away. His eyes revert back to a dulled glance, the fight leaving him. "So, your solution is to push me away? To distance yourself? Well, you failed to fix it."

Fire scorches his being and ignites a spirit of fighting in his bones. "I _can_ fix it. And I _will_ fix it. Nothing is impossible. It will take me years, maybe a few decades, but it _will_ come to pass," he feels this strange energy engulfing him and he steps closer to Magnus, an action borne of unconscious thought. "I'll finish it. It's just a matter of 'when'. Not if. But when."

A flash of uncertainty flickers over his face, eyes glinting with internal fragility. Magnus purses his lip and hunches inwards to himself. "What are you talking about, Alexander?" he asks quietly, warily. "There is nothing to fix between us."

"I'm working on something. Something that has never been done before. They will say it's foolish. Impossible. Naive. They will say it's beyond our time. But it's not. It won't be beyond our time anymore. Not any longer," Alec blurts out in rapid succession. "I'll be the first. And then, they will follow. They will have no choice but to follow. And then, we'll now have all the time in the world. An eternity just for us."

A glint of fear dances across his eyes and Alec can see the conflict tearing him apart from within, the fight to know more and the instinct to withdraw the madness that has crept into his fevered confession. Magnus furrows his brows and inhales shakily, evidently giving in to the need for insight. "Alexander, what have you done?"

"What I must do for _us_ , Magnus," Alec takes one more step and slowly raises his hand, gently brushing his knuckles over the sharp slope of his warlock's cheek. "What I should have started decades ago. If magic won't give me what I want, then I'll do it through the science and technology we have today. I'll reinvent what it means to be human. I'll reinvent what it means to exist. I don't care how long it takes. _I will do it_."

Magnus closes his eyes and leans into his gentle caress. "You can't do this to yourself," he blurts out hoarsely. "You will have to see everyone die. You will get to see them wither in their old age. You will hate it. And then, you will hate me."

"How can I? I can never hate you. What you will have from me is an eternity of commitment and devotion," Alec leans in and presses his forehead against the other's. "But I need to do this first. I need to finish it. No one can stop me. No one will stop me. I found you. You found me. You're mine, for all of time."

Magnus flinches and tries to withdraw from him, but Alec gently turns him back and puts his hands against his cheeks. "Don't make vows you can't keep, Alexander."

"A Lightwood never breaks their promise."

"You don't know that."

"And then what? Would you rather accept this than die trying?" Alec challenges. "I will never give this up. You can have your own opinions about it, Magnus. You can try and stop me from doing what you think is madness. But I'm telling you now. I will succeed. And then you will see."

"And then what? What will I do when you fail, Alexander? What will _I_ do when you die from this, this madness? Am I supposed to move on, as I've always done?" Magnus retorts, the fire returning in his eyes. The wall was building itself again. He tears himself away from Alec and retreats from him, eyes glinting with unshed despair, his voice escalating in volume. "Why isn't it enough? Why is _our present_ not enough for you? It's enough for me!"

"And then what will _you_ do? What will you do, Magnus, when I'm gone? If, I'm gone? Can't you see that everything that I'm doing right now is for you?" Alec snaps. "That everything I am right now is for you? When I'm _gone_ , Magnus, I know that you will never want to live again. You'll just go through the motions while you mourn. And you will mourn me forever, cursing my name that I ruined love for you, that I took away any chance you might have at moving on. When I'm gone, Magnus, who will take care of you? Who will look after you? Raphael? Catarina? Madzie? That's it? For once in your life, be selfish! It's alright to want to have an eternity with someone! It's alright for you to want this madness to stop! Because I'm telling you right now that you are it for me. You are it. And if I have a chance at fixing _this_ , this fear you have, then I'll do it!"

"This isn't something that you can fix, Alec! This is _reality_ and you have to start accepting it! You can't cheat death! Any more than I would like to have it!" Magnus roars, his eyes violently shifting to the yellow feline hue that he came to cherish. "Is that such a surprise to you? That I _wish_ that I could have a chance to live out to my old age with you? But I can't! I _can't_ , Alexander! Why don't you get that?"

"I'll do it, one way or another. Even if it takes me years, decades. I. Will. Do it. And I know. I understand. You will hate me, for a while. I'm not naive enough not to expect that. This will change a lot of things. And change is often uncomfortable. But note this. If there is anything that you should take away today, then maybe you should do your best to remember this, Magnus," Alec says calmly. "Of all the warm bodies that you've had the pleasure of taking to bed, how many of them wished to spend an eternity with you? And of that probable small number, how many of them were daring, crazy, and stubborn about doing _something_ to address it? To at least do something about it? I get this hunch it might be a small number."

"I see that I'm not going through you now. So, get out," Magnus whispers fiercely. " _Get out_."

"I love you, Magnus. I love you. I will always love you. Always. But sooner or later, you will see why I did it. Even if it's centuries before you come around," Alec says softly. "I can wait. I will always wait."

"We're done talking about this," Magnus replies quietly, defeated and withdrawn. "Get out."

With a somber but determined spirit, Alec slowly turns around and leaves.

When Jace meets his eye in the hallway, his adopted brother regards him with pity. "Don't worry. I didn't hear anything. As soon as you went in, I left the building. Thought you wanted the privacy. I came back up as soon it felt done."

"I don't really want to talk about it," he cuts in.

Jace nods curtly. "Fair enough. Then I won't ask."

* * *

He stays true to his unspoken word. He stays away, for the time being.

For the next few days, Alec buries himself in his work, both as the Head of the Institute and as the sole head of his research projects at his own flat.

He takes advantage of his clearance access to their vault of knowledge at the Institute and devises a clever method of copying and creating databases of information into his own private servers at home. As an added precaution, he made sure to only access the information that they had on noteworthy humans and academic journals in their servers. He didn't think it was necessary to transfer data on the Shadow World, and so he didn't. Over those days, it was hard work not to look suspicious as he methodically took turns venturing to his Brooklyn flat.

One night after he came home from the Institute, a small burst of happiness strikes him when he sees the shipment of textbooks waiting at the foot of his door. He spent the rest of the evening organizing them into logical piles and shelving them orderly in his book shelves. Category by category, they were all sorted to his purposes. He transforms his small bedroom into a small study and shelves the remaining books in there.

When dinner time came and the digital clock on his bedside struck at the appointed hour, he rises from the bed and ventures out into his workshop, taking a seat on one of the steel tables. A blank notebook stares at him, patiently waiting for the first round of inspiration. The analog clock continued ticking away through the thick silence engulfing his flat, like a heartbeat.

The first question he needed to tackle, was to determine the fundamental factors that governed aging in multicellular beings. From his readings, he knew clearly that the key to a long life were healthy cells that had the lowest probability of mutating into cancer cells. Biology was a complex problem to deal with. While he could start his inquiry by investigating the cellular differences of immortal species like vampires and warlocks, Alec also had a strong gut feeling that it might be a lead that could only result in a dead end. If he was to find a solution, it would mean having to experiment radically with the human aspect of his genetics. Clearly, the path would involve genetic engineering. But it doesn't just mean addressing one factor of aging. He would have to tackle them all at once with the solution he makes.

Has anyone ever successfully managed re-engineering a fully matured adult human?

The closest answer to that lies in the realm of science fiction and superhero comic books, where the future held more promise than they were worth. The mere endeavor of re-engineering the cellular foundations of a human was like having them go through a process of rebirth. It will be painful and immensely risky. There would be a brief period of brutal instability. In that moment, anything can happen.

It was a start, however.

The mobile on his table vibrated.

An incoming call. _Magnus Bane_ , the screen says.

He picks up the pen and scribbles down the first thing that comes to mind.

_How effective is a synthetic virus when it comes to changing biology?_

His mobile continues vibrating.

He works well through the night and soon, he looks back to find that he has already filled in ten pages of ideas.

He continues observing this newfound madness seeping into the pores and crannies of his daily life. An obsessive spirit takes over his mind and he finds himself entertaining different ideas and connections as the hours turned into days, flashing by like the blur of a light-year. He feels himself splitting into two distinct halves; one was Alec the Head of the Institute, and the other was Alec the Machine. The former became more efficient at missions and desk work. The latter became proficient at radical research and experimentation. Time was now a raging waterfall, falling around him with a mighty bellow as he hurtles through the dwindling days of the year at the speed of light. Dawn transitioned smoothly to dusk, and dusk transformed quietly to midnight.

Different notebooks were kept for experimental results, research, and ideas. He hasn't started anything on the experimental side yet, but he was bound to do so soon enough. In between research and mulling over ideas, he starts learning how to properly install an artificial intelligence system in his flat to assist him in several other areas of his life. Machine learning was fast becoming one of the most relevant disciplines in computer science and he jumped on the bandwagon. Trial and error was the only method now, so he must make haste.

Time was the enemy to beat.

* * *

One night, he was followed back to his own home. And the irony of it was, Alec never felt prepared for the astonishment that blindsides him in the chest when the identity of his stalker reveals himself, just as he steps a foot inside his technological sanctuary. As the lights turned on, Magnus was standing in front of him, eyes glinting with fear and unshed tears. Blatant fear, and it was the emotion that he doesn't ever expect to be thrown his way. It was the equivalent of having a sledgehammer brought on his sternum, shattering the bone to smithereens.

"You...never answered your cellphone. I thought you needed some distance. But...I never once...thought you were serious. About, this. I thought it was...empty talk. But, it seems I'm proven wrong once again," Magnus starts retreating to himself, once again reverting back to defense mechanisms that Alec has seen one too many times. Magnus raises his head and his eyes, the things hiding in there. It was _fear_. Magnus was _afraid_. "I had enough. Of all this secrecy. I followed you as soon as you left the Institute. You might be a stubborn man, Alexander, but you are also sometimes predictable. And it seems...you are also becoming deeply troubled. If all of _this_ was evidence enough."

"And, what next?" Alec crosses his arms. "Do you plan on stopping me?"

"This is _madness_ , Alexander. Pure, sheer, madness," Magnus says quietly. "When I dropped by the Institute to reinforce the wards, there is talk of you becoming increasingly intolerant and stricter with your subordinates. You snap at them if they don't finish their work at your demand. You yell at them when missions and patrol reports are not running to your expectations. They are tired and stressed out by your leadership tactics. Ever since we defeated Valentine, you've _changed_. They know. I know. You've _changed_ , Alexander. You've changed."

"I've always been who I am. Who I am now, I was ten years ago. All of this that you see is the real reflection of me. Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

Magnus scoffs with a bitter smile. "Oh, but you apparently failed to mention _this_? Books on biology, computer science, physics, and more? I never pegged you to be the scholarly type."

"In my childhood, I spent my free time reading and learning. Reading anything I can get my hands on. I'm not like them. And I never was," Alec calmly strides across the room to pick up a book lying on his coffee table. He tightens his hold on the beloved book before turning around and glancing squarely at his partner. "I never related well to anyone else at my age. You see, growing up in a Shadowhunter society doesn't give one much leeway to be an...individual. To be independent thinkers. We were raised to be soldiers even before we are four years old. Our society normalizes the idea that we are supposed to be comfortable at the thought of dying at an early age, all in the service of some greater good. You know this just as well as I do."

Magnus doesn't say anything. He continues to stand his ground.

Alec raises his hand and extends his copy of his favourite book, a peace offering. "This is _Ender's Game_. It's a book that I've read a thousand times. I reckon you'll like it. Kept me company the whole way," he says quietly.

Magnus gingerly reaches out and their fingers brush for a nanosecond. He takes it in and lets his thumb brush over the worn cover, before gazing back up at him. "You're really not going to change courses are you," he says quietly.

It sounded like a statement more so than a question.

"You don't understand now. But someday, you will."

A flash of irritation flickers over his partner's face. "You keep saying that as if it will come to pass."

"We don't really have a choice, now, do we? I may sound like a madman to you now. But the future is upon us all. If I don't do it now, then someone else like me will come along and dare to dream of doing it. I've spent my entire life running from my destiny. But whether we like it or not, destiny arrives all the same," Alec states plainly, unperturbed by the darkening expression on his partner's face. "I made that mistake once. I won't pay for it again."

"It still doesn't make it easier on me that you keep feeling the need to remind me of it all," Magnus intones, his facial expression deceptively serene, a mask for the frustration and anger.

"My life has always been under the control of someone else in authority. Do you _realise_ how frustrating and limiting that is? To know that you are more capable than they see you for? You always talk about being true to yourself, but when _I_ decide to finally go with it, I'm now the madman? I offer a simple, if daring, solution and I get called a 'madman'?" Alec counters, perhaps a little too calmly than he was feeling right now. The storm of fierce conviction swelling beneath his sternum, a raging fire. "Fine. I will never stop until I find the answer. I will only stop if I'm dead. And I don't count on being dead anytime soon."

That vulnerability bleeds into his eyes again and Magnus finally looks away. "You're not doing this for me," the warlock murmurs hoarsely. "You're doing it for your own selfish gain. To see how far you can get ahead of everyone else. I already told you what I wanted. I won't repeat myself. I value myself enough not to. If you really love me, Alexander Lightwood, you _will_ stop this madness and allow _us_ to move on to the more important things."

Alec clenches his jaw.

"I will give you some time to reflect on your priorities. But if I don't hear from you in a week, then, I suppose I will have my answer."

"So that's it then? I will fight through several layers of hell to get to you, but you can't do me the same justice? All I asked for is _time_ and _patience_. It didn't have to affect anything between us. But when it comes to the matters of _our future_ , now I'm the enemy?"

A part of his heart clenches when Magnus finally musters the courage to look at him. A broken little smile appears on his partner's face, eyes glinting with barely concealed hurt and agony. "Do you even hear yourself? The man I knew would never talk to me that way. He would never blatantly disrespect me like you do now. You've changed, Alexander. And if you can't see that, then nothing in the world can change your mind."

"I'm not your enemy, Magnus."

"And you're not anyone else's. I know. But you changed. That's all. You've _changed_. And I am not entirely certain if it was for the better."

"With all due respect, you really can't stop me."

"I know," Magnus smiles sadly. "Heaven forbid I get between you and what you want."

"What does that mean?"

"I expect my answer by the evening of next week," his partner gives him another melancholic smile. "If not, then, I suppose it's a good bye, Alexander."

* * *

For the next seven days, his productivity rate skyrockets and he fixes the deficiencies in his attitude towards his subordinates.

He pulls himself together and trains himself to go through the motions. The social mask was so convincing that he actually got his work done faster than he ever did before. Altruistic soldiers were offering the occasional hand in lightening his workload and this gave him the chance to work more on his projects. He has already burned through half of his academic sources and the project of installing an artificial intelligence system in his home was well underway. In the months since he began his project, a small seed of hope starts growing in his chest.

But the looming promise over his head dampens his spirits.

Magnus is expecting a response tonight. For the first time since that night, he hasn't called or made any effort at contacting him.

But his answer remained unchanged.

There was just too much at stake for them.

It would be easy. So easy to just drop everything and run back to him, apologize and make up. But not this time. Not over this. Anything but this.

_The hardest choices require the strongest wills._

This will be the deception of his lifetime. But it was _worth everything_.

When dusk falls over their heads, he wanders to the loft and aggressively greets his warlock with primal passion. Heat meets fire and he bares his soul for the second time. His mate plays the coy game and he growls and chases after him. They toss and turn and fought for dominance. But the heated aggression they brought soon dissolves into slow and raw lovemaking. He chases the sensation as his partner clenches around him and comes apart with a ferocity that makes him howl his claim to the distant planets. When their passion reaches the peak and dies away like the tides, he draws closer and feels a thrum of delight.

"I'm sorry," Alec whispered through his partner's hair. "I'm sorry for being a downright prick."

"I forgive you," Magnus tilts his head from his chest and smiles feebly at him, his golden eyes shining brightly in the shade of night.

Magnus sleeps soundly that night.

Alec lies awake, staring at the ceiling.

The hardest choices require the strongest wills.

* * *

"I finished reading _Ender's Game_ ," Magnus tells him suddenly as he continues working away at his apothecary table.

Alec looks up from the circuit board he was working on, dropping the soldering tool to the side. "What do you think?"

"I admire Ender's intelligence at such a young age. His knack for military strategy and psychology is ages ahead of his time but what really disturbed me was the choice of the age for such a brilliant protagonist," Magnus furrows his brow as he continues to absently scour through a tome. "I have no doubt there are geniuses that appear at every generation. What disturbs me is the apathy of humanity."

"You mean, the apathy towards using children as tools of war to secure their place in intergalatic expansion?" Alec casts a quick glance over at the warlock before reverting back to his project. "From an optimization standpoint, the International Fleet is right. The one thing I agreed with on was the simple fact that younger people are more capable at synthesizing and processing data than older people. But I never agreed with how they manipulated everyone else in believing that the buggers were the ultimate threat to humanity's existence. It was that fear that kept them in power."

"It would be a war crime in the view of mundanes today if children were recruited in war to become soldiers," the warlock comments quietly. "There is just nothing natural about beating their innocence away for the purposes of standing against the harshness of war."

"And yet, it still happens today. What do you think the Shadowhunter society is based upon? The burden of killing demons and protecting the Shadow World falls on our shoulders. Or, at least what they want you to think. A society that normalizes the idea of possibly dying at a younger age than the rest of the world. Notice the parallels? Many of us don't even question whether that is a natural way of living. Soon, it gets to you," Alec replies absently. "From a young age, Shadowhunters like me learn to repress our emotions because we were _conditioned_ by the training. Their idea was to put as much pressure on combat training and studying at an early age in order to promote an aggressive mentality. There is no room to be a free-thinking individual."

"And, you never told anyone what you thought?" Magnus asks quietly.

Alec gives a curt shake of his head, dropping the soldering tool and putting away the circuit board. "No. Why would I? You've seen pieces of it. My family is not really the most loving or doting of the lot. Obedience and expectations were thrust upon us as soon as we learned how to talk and walk."

"I...I never thought of it that way."

"We all had our prejudices with one another. Ironic, isn't it? Majority of Shadowhunters try to protect a world that they think is beneath them. Talk about irony."

"So why didn't you walk away? Nothing is preventing you from doing that."

Alec chuckles bitterly. "No. I'm way too deep into the system. Trust me. I thought of it many times more than anyone else. Sooner or later, the system makes you or breaks you. If the system is already part of you, you can't leave."

"And why not?"

"Because you get comfortable with what you have."

Magnus closes the tome and starts methodically putting away his apothecary supplies. "You know that you will always have my support," he says softly. "In whatever direction you want to take in your life."

 _But you won't even give me the chance. The chance at having you for all of time. Because you're too resigned to your fate. You would support me in anything but that. The one thing I wanted the most,_ Alec freezes as his most intimate thought claws across his immediate consciousness with a viciousness that almost makes him drop the book he was holding.

"Alexander?"

"Thanks," Alec shakes himself discreetly. He raises his head and gives him the most convincing smile he could possibly mimic.

"Are you alright? You went quiet for a while," he says with a note of hesitation.

"Nothing," Alec allows himself to unabashedly stare at his partner. Something soft pulses in his chest when Magnus responds with a tender smile. He smiles back. "Just thinking how lucky I am to be the happiest man in the world."

_If you forget to make time for the things you care about, you will forget why you're fighting at all._

A flush catches his partner off guard as it spreads across his cheeks, blinking owlishly in the wake of his confession.

Alec drops everything and stands up to walk over to his partner. He leans over the table and grins. "Are you done? I can think of other _productive_ things we can do."

Magnus laughs weakly. "You need to work on that."

"What?"

"Nevermind, dear."

* * *

"We want you to work for us."

"And why should I do that?"

"Because SHIELD can give you all of the resources and tools that you need to complete your research. Let us say that there are...parties with a vested interest in seeing you succeed with your project."

"And how did you even hear about it? For all you know, I'm a nobody."

"We have eyes and ears all over, Mr. Lightwood. We have ties with the Shadow World. It should not be that surprising, really."

"And then what? You pirate my results and apply it for your own ends. In essence, I am a hostage in my own creation."

"Do you really think so little of us?"

"Why not?"

"Mr. Lightwood, we could have just as easily seized all of your personal belongings and carried them away to our facilities. We are approaching you as equals because we believe that we can negotiate a mutually beneficial relationship."

"Until I decide not to work anymore."

"You work until you want to stop, Mr. Lightwood. There is no hidden agenda beyond the fact that we are interested in the practical results of your work. We just want to see you succeed in your research. We can offer a steady employment and a way out of your current life. A new identity, a new life."

"And?"

"It's your choice, Mr. Lightwood. Give us a call."

* * *

He takes a few days off work to sort out his affairs.

Alec sweeps his gaze over the components of his workshop, staring at the piles of sketches and writings littered over the workspace, the product of unfinished work. He absently walks over to one computer and a small twitch teases the corner of his mouth as he picks up an empty paper cup. The faint traces of medium roast coffee stung his nostrils and he tosses it into the trash can. He reaches out and organizes the mess of papers across his workspace, his mind churning as he dwelled on the events of the past two days.

In the months since he started, the idea has just begun to take a form that he is comfortable with. He is still learning the ropes, but he can say with a fair amount of confidence that he is now getting closer to establishing the foundations of the serum that will solve everything. There is a lot riding on his project and he cannot afford anything less than perfection in the results. If it takes him until the end of the year to finish laying the foundations of the serum, then he could devote another five years to experimentation and perfecting the genetic structure of the project. And even then, it never fully eliminates the small probability that it could go wrong. Alone, it could take him at least a decade to even finish rolling out a prototype. With access to SHIELD's resources and consultants, he might be able to do it in less than half the time.

But it means leaving behind everything he has worked for. He will have to leave behind everyone he knew. It means quitting his current position as the Head of the New York Institute and handing over the torch to someone else. He would have to move to Washington, DC. He would have to invent a very convincing lie for his sudden interest in human affairs. But above all, the one he was worried about the most was Magnus. There was a very real risk of his entire plan coming apart the moment Magnus becomes suspicious that he is hiding something.

But it was also the chance he was desperate for.

Which one will he choose?

The path that will secure their future for all time?

Or the path that only promises happiness and joy that will last for a few decades?

At the end of the day, the hardest choices require the strongest wills.

In the afternoon as he walks through the Brooklyn Bridge, he takes his chance and dials the number he was given.

_"Mr. Lightwood."_

"What's going to happen to my family when I leave?"

_"They will be in good hands in the event of your death, Mr. Lightwood. They will be well compensated in many areas, I assure you."_

"And my new identity? Do I even get the chance to make some suggestions?"

_"Of course. We will take into consideration any request you have and we will do our best to accommodate it. But the primary details of your new identity will be left to us and we will craft it in the way that best fits you as a person. Your personality and current skills are always taken into consideration when we build the foundation of your background."_

"What am I being hired for, exactly?"

_"To be succinct, you will officially be listed as one of the consultants that SHIELD works with. This means that outside of your work hours, you have the full freedom in your spare time to work on whatever you wish to work on. You could even go to college and earn multiple degreed if you so wished, and you would have our financial support."_

"You're really putting out all the stops. I highly doubt I am that valuable."

_"Make no mistake, Mr. Lightwood. You are not the first consultant we hired and you won't be the last. SHIELD's interest is in the practical result of your work and you will also be assigned other projects besides your research. It is the central part of your job description as a consultant. Our job is to make sure we get the results we want."_

There was this tempting urge to snap and ask if any of them involved developing weapons of war, but Alec was shrewd enough to realise that it wouldn't be wise to antagonize this man given the obvious nature of _their_ work. It shouldn't be surprising to him, but it was. It was surprising enough that they found out about his projects and approached him in the first place. Maybe, Magnus was right. Maybe, in the manic periods of fevered work, something snapped and the tide of madness that always lurked has finally surfaced from the twilight zone of his subconscious. Maybe, this madness might have catapulted him to great heights of success, but at the cost of everything else he loved. Maybe, Magnus was right, in the end. Maybe, it wasn't worth it.

But what was worth it? To just continue on and live to old age? Was that all that he could do? Live and then die, leaving behind the best thing in his life?

_"This is a big decision to make, Mr. Lightwood, and we understand that. But what is also important is for you to realize that we are not the enemy here. We want to make this transition as smooth as possible. Take all the time you need, Mr. Lightwood, to sort out your affairs."_

"Will I still get to see my family?"

_"Of course, Mr. Lightwood. But you must also understand of the delicate work that SHIELD is involved in. You will be required to keep your silence on many of the projects and operations you will be involved with."_

"I understand."

_"Take all the time you need, Mr. Lightwood. Have a nice day."_

The line cuts off.

* * *

The tension in his shoulders have not abated since he arrived that evening to the loft. The night breeze was calm and gentle as it swept across his city, carrying with it the imminent arrival of winter into this mighty urban jungle that he has called his home for his entire life. The sliding doors to the balcony were open for the entire day and he takes this chance to lean on the perch, absently observing the swath of lights dancing and moving in the dark cover of night. The cold nip of imminent winter refreshes the agitated heat in his lungs, cooling it to a simmer. The sound of footsteps echoing in their home, a cadence of normality that seems precarious in light of the decisions he must make. He lets his mind wander as he scours the darkened landscape of New York, immersing himself in dreams of the future that whisper enticingly between his ears.

He speaks before Magnus even steps out to join him in his appreciation of the city lights. "I'm thinking of quitting as the Head of the Institute."

Magnus settles into place beside him. "It sort of looked like you had a lot on your mind in the past week. Why are you quitting?"

"The future," he replies cryptically.

"That is a little vague, even for you," Magnus reaches out and runs his hand along his arm. "Are you alright? You know you can tell me anything."

_I can't. And that's the problem._

"I think I need to get away from this city for a while. I've been in here for too long that I'm afraid I lost sight of the big picture."

"The big picture?" came the coaxing question.

Alec nods slowly. "My life. _Our_ life."

"What brought this on, Alexander?" he asks softly.

"A change of perspective. I looked ahead to the future and tried to predict the possibilities and envision them. Which ones I would be happy with. Which ones I wasn't. In the end, I couldn't do it. None of them involved me staying in the Institute and continuing the work I'm doing now. It's a sign," Alec says calmly, deliberately keeping his gaze fixed on any point but his partner. "I can't stay where I am."

"What are you talking about, Alexander?" Magnus tightens his hand around his arm and a part of him aches at the decision he is about to make.

"I have to continue the work I started, Magnus," Alec can feel the flinch of cold realization radiating through his partner, and he turns around slowly to reach out and take his hand into his own. "I can't afford not to. Call me a madman. Call me anything you want. But in the end, never doubt that I'm doing this for _you_. I'm doing this for you, and for you alone. I have to know that this will work out in the end."

"You...you lied to me."

"I never lied about anything. Not about us. Never about us," Alec argued quietly.

A cold glint appears in his eyes and his heart sinks as Magnus withdraws from his presence, feet moving slowly in restrained anger as he retreated to make more distance between them. "You _lied_ to me. You told me that you were done. With, with all _this_ madness. You _lied_ to me."

"I never lied about loving you," Alec says softly. "That was real. It still is."

Magnus shakes his head slowly, a cold anger slowly sweeping across lovely face. The kind of anger that hardens and crystalizes. "You _lied_ to me. Again," he chuckles bitterly, a dangerous sound to hear. "I should have known. Everything you have ever done was calculated for some gain. Tell me, _Alec_ , did it feel good? Did it feel good, to have that much power over someone to the point that you would just get high over being able to do anything you wanted? And they would still _believe_? I bared my soul to you. And you return it with _this_."

Alec swallows back the pain that strikes his throat. He keeps his head down and lets the hurricane have its way. He relishes in the destruction coming his way.

"And you have the gall to call that... _love_? What about my needs? What about my wants? Did they ever factor in to your _calculations_ , oh great mastermind? Is everything a chess piece to you? A piece of abstract value? You take me to bed and have your way with me. You used that distract me from the thing I wanted to know from you. It was simple, _Alec_. It was a simple thing that I am asking for. But you're just another selfish bastard, aren't you?" his voice cracks, and Alec feels his heart breaking just a bit more. "Maybe you are. But shame on me, isn't it? I was fooled by the act. Shame on me, indeed."

"I will always love you, Magnus. Even if you don't want it," Alec says softly.

"No, you don't. You love yourself _more_. I never had a place with you. And I was a fool to think that."

"I will always love you," Alec repeats.

"No. _No_. I loved _my_ Alexander. The upright and moral man. The man that would never lie to me. The man that respected me enough to tell me everything I needed to know. I will never love this twisted and Machiavellian version of _him_ ," Magnus chokes out. "Get out. And don't come back. I wish I could hate the man before me. But I can't. Because I'm cursed to love the ones I can't have. Camille was right. I should have never --"

Magnus shakes his himself fiercely. "Get out. _Please_. If you any decency left. Get out and don't...just don't."

Alec nods, eyes shut to keep the tears inside. He exhales weakly and swallows back the lump in his throat. "I'm sorry."

"Get. Out."

A tingle rushes up his spine when his shoulder brushes against his partner's. Magnus stiffens beside him and a part of his heart aches as the poison of his lover's wrath curses his heartstrings into a painful contraction. Alec shuts his eyes and slowly leans in to brush a longing kiss of goodbye on his lover's cheek. He grits his teeth when a stinging slap delivers sparks of agony across his face.

"Get out," his lover chokes out, still trying to look put together even when he was falling apart like Alec. "You lost the right to do that, Shadowhunter."

_The hardest choices require the strongest wills._

Alec swallows back his pain. "Goodbye, Magnus."

He should have expected the cold silence.

It doesn't hurt any less.

For the first time in his life, he regrets not taking the fall over the balcony.

But alas, it was never meant to be.

**The hardest choices require the strongest wills.**

* * *

_"Mr. Lightwood?"_

"I'm ready."

_"A SHIELD carrier is enroute to your current location and will take you to our headquarters. We look forward to working with you, Mr. Lightwood."_


End file.
